The Dark Matter in the Soul

At One in the morning (PST), I was wide awake.

I begin to get excited about matters concerning machines02Gigantic Concepts late at night.  This can start as early as 20.00 and keep going until oh-4 hundred.  If you were in England & just waking up, I went on a twitter-rage.  Actually, there was little rage, just a Eurostar of streaming thought, all precisely 140 (or under) characters long.

I’ve always had questions.  I’m very Curious.  My mother would say that it killed some cat, but I believe carelessness killed cat.  Not curiosity. If anything, curiosity helped the cat make an honest assessment or evaluation.  I questioned my history teacher on the accuracy of the writers when I was young.  Which meant I was immediately drafted onto the debate team.  I do really enjoy a rabbit hole, leaving me with more questions.  Though eventually they lead to a new perspective & that’s indulgently satisfying for the moment.  Am I introspectively absorbed inside myself?  Maybe.  Sometimes.

A friend mentioned a personality test… and I kind of like testing these things to see how accurate they are.  After all, I have boxes of personal monologues, love getting right to the bottom of anything and what else is there to do at midnight?

So, Enneagram: I think it’s worded in peculiar ways; especially when manipulating immature qualities.  The second problem is that I personally believe we are in a state of becoming who we originally were at a small age, only in ways which function successfully (i.e. mature vs immature).  And third, there’s a second part to the test using opposites that I don’t quite feel are opposing but can work in tandem.

virgoAs it turns out, I’m “quite self-aware, sensitive and reserved”.  Not much news there.  But apparently I’m also having an identity crisis.  Which is… Amusing.   But, just maybe, it could be perceived that way.  In fact, a baring of ones soul & continual questioning over the “whys” to our existence could, indeed, be perceived that way.  OK, crisis it is!   Identity is so very complex, not easily isolated like an organism on a petri dish.  In fact, I was chatting yesterday with a friend about the movie A Thousand Clowns (which I watched one night in a hotel room with a gorgeous composer… and wrote a song about a few days later).  The clowns represented facets of our personas as they emerge from an old VW Beetle.  And I can see how – if I was honest about my self-discoveries and moments of enlightenment (knowing it will continue to happen until I die, though loving the adventure) – I can see how that could be perceived as a lack of identity.  Especially if I’m hitting the reserve button on my intensity & passion.  After all, I can barely pick a genre in music.  But it goes deeper:

Feeling a void is profound & amazing, not a lack.  Essentially, connecting to the Dark Matter within oneself.  We’re taught to See and Create art by drawing the negative space; the shadows.  They outline everything.  They’re so very important.  (like the rush of Feeling Important when on the edge of the ocean or a cliff – our smallness against something profoundly big).  We hear around silence.  The void emphasises the structure.

So, I’m flawed.  Isn’t everyone?  I tend to see this like any organic matter or precious stone.  Which, again, can be difficult for the some… The comfort in being limited but limitless.  Unafraid/unashamed of weaknesses.  What’s the worse than can happen?  I can’t explain this one, but reality is much easier to work with/around than fantasy.  Without a objective evaluation, it’s difficult to make a decision or know how to respond.  Or ask the right questions.

To the benefit of the test, it did point out how personalities function on a scale of Mature to Unhealthy.   Disciplined to Selfish.  Slight bonus: I’m not a tormented soul (personally not sure how tormented artists even create; one cannot pour out of a depleted / black-hole state).

Curious about Problem #3?  My twitter feed is stacked with those opposites which I don’t believe are Opposing.   P.S. I’m a Sagittarius.  So what does that say??

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