At One in the morning (PST), I was wide awake.
I begin to get excited about matters concerning Gigantic Concepts late at night. This can start as early as 20.00 and keep going until oh-4 hundred. If you were in England & just waking up, I went on a twitter-rage. Actually, there was little rage, just a Eurostar of streaming thought, all precisely 140 (or under) characters long.
I’ve always had questions. I’m very Curious. My mother would say that it killed some cat, but I believe carelessness killed cat. Not curiosity. If anything, curiosity helped the cat make an honest assessment or evaluation. I questioned my history teacher on the accuracy of the writers when I was young. Which meant I was immediately drafted onto the debate team. I do really enjoy a rabbit hole, leaving me with more questions. Though eventually they lead to a new perspective & that’s indulgently satisfying for the moment. Am I introspectively absorbed inside myself? Maybe. Sometimes.
A friend mentioned a personality test… and I kind of like testing these things to see how accurate they are. After all, I have boxes of personal monologues, love getting right to the bottom of anything and what else is there to do at midnight?
So, Enneagram: I think it’s worded in peculiar ways; especially when manipulating immature qualities. The second problem is that I personally believe we are in a state of becoming who we originally were at a small age, only in ways which function successfully (i.e. mature vs immature). And third, there’s a second part to the test using opposites that I don’t quite feel are opposing but can work in tandem.
As it turns out, I’m “quite self-aware, sensitive and reserved”. Not much news there. But apparently I’m also having an identity crisis. Which is… Amusing. But, just maybe, it could be perceived that way. In fact, a baring of ones soul & continual questioning over the “whys” to our existence could, indeed, be perceived that way. OK, crisis it is! Identity is so very complex, not easily isolated like an organism on a petri dish. In fact, I was chatting yesterday with a friend about the movie A Thousand Clowns (which I watched one night in a hotel room with a gorgeous composer… and wrote a song about a few days later). The clowns represented facets of our personas as they emerge from an old VW Beetle. And I can see how – if I was honest about my self-discoveries and moments of enlightenment (knowing it will continue to happen until I die, though loving the adventure) – I can see how that could be perceived as a lack of identity. Especially if I’m hitting the reserve button on my intensity & passion. After all, I can barely pick a genre in music. But it goes deeper:
Feeling a void is profound & amazing, not a lack. Essentially, connecting to the Dark Matter within oneself. We’re taught to See and Create art by drawing the negative space; the shadows. They outline everything. They’re so very important. (like the rush of Feeling Important when on the edge of the ocean or a cliff – our smallness against something profoundly big). We hear around silence. The void emphasises the structure.
So, I’m flawed. Isn’t everyone? I tend to see this like any organic matter or precious stone. Which, again, can be difficult for the some… The comfort in being limited but limitless. Unafraid/unashamed of weaknesses. What’s the worse than can happen? I can’t explain this one, but reality is much easier to work with/around than fantasy. Without a objective evaluation, it’s difficult to make a decision or know how to respond. Or ask the right questions.
To the benefit of the test, it did point out how personalities function on a scale of Mature to Unhealthy. Disciplined to Selfish. Slight bonus: I’m not a tormented soul (personally not sure how tormented artists even create; one cannot pour out of a depleted / black-hole state).
Curious about Problem #3? My twitter feed is stacked with those opposites which I don’t believe are Opposing. P.S. I’m a Sagittarius. So what does that say??